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True Blogger Confessions Part 2

Last time I wrote True Blogger Confessions I wrote about hidden confessions. My hidden confession at the time was that I did not floss on a regular basis, but I was trying to get into the habit. I wrote that on April 24, 2010. Today is June 18, 2010 and I was doing so well up until I went on vacation. I blame the boot. LOL! Even though I proclaimed that I was able to floss with the boot (hehe), I have had a major #fail while on vacation.

My second confession is that I am a major schedule freak. Yes, I said freak. You would think I was a child when it comes to how screwed up I get when I am “off schedule”. I like routine. I like predictability. I don’t like surprises. I am a planner, through & through. I come by this honestly. My sister is the same way, if not more regimented, as is my Dad.

These past 2 weeks have really messed with me. Not only am I in running “prison”, but I am away from my home and my day-to-day routine. I found a gym, The Fitness Studio, that I have gone to for all but the 2 days they were closed. Cindy (the owner) and all the people there were so nice to me. Being able to hit the gym every morning really helped my mental status. Not only was I able to hop on the recumbent bike daily, I was able to take 2 Power classes taught by Cindy, herself. The best $50 (for 2 weeks) I have ever spent. I am sure you have seen the “Mastercard – Priceless” commercials, right? That is what this was worth to me (and my family – trust me, they need me to be happy, not witchy with a capital “B”).

I have had a really hard time being away on this trip. I am not able to do “my thing”. I have suffered from an eating disorder in the past and those habits tend to come to the surface when I am under stress. Under normal circumstances I consider myself to have a very healthy relationship with food. Enter stress. Then I find myself reverting back to old habits. I see red flags raising all over the place. I am subconsciously doing things I haven’t done for years – counting calories, restricting foods, etc. What am I afraid of? I ask myself this question. What is the worst that is going to happen here? Why? Why is it necessary to seek comfort in denying myself the food that nourishes my body? I have “lost” my main outlet of stress -running and exercising as I know it. I am forced to either succumb or find a way to make it work. I struggle. I struggled for a couple of days. I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. This “disease” may be lying dormant deep within me for years, but it lies there waiting to resurface when I am least expecting it.

I have come out on top once again, for the time being. I have won another battle and I intend to win the war. I have an amazing support system in my husband, family & friends. I found a way to do what I need to do for exercise that makes me feel good. Believe it or not, I can get my heart rate up sufficiently on the recumbent bike without resistance. My new favorite motto is “Where there is a will, there is a way”. I pray that I can resume my “normal” routine in the next week and remove some of this stress. If not, I will form a new plan. I have to be proactive to keep myself healthy.

I have been given lemons, as a lot of people have. I refuse to let that keep me down. I will make lemonade until the cows come home. Being told to follow a gluten-free diet turned out to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I didn’t think that at the time, but I know it now. Doing so has give me a completely new outlook on life.

8 comments to True Blogger Confessions Part 2

  • Kim,

    I'm so proud of you for recognizing the potential pitfalls of that thinking pattern and making a conscious effort to change. You are truly in charge of your thoughts and actions, and this makes it abundantly clear.

    We all struggle with our own personal demons.

    Regardless of what happens to "Bootsie," you are and will continue to be a warrior, for your own health and the health of others. Celebrate your success.

    Much love,

    Erin

  • Kim, I am a major planner and if my schedule gets thrown off whack by something that "just comes up" I go crazy. All in my head, I don't yell at anyone or anything (although I want to!) but I get really cranky and I let it take over and ruin my day. I'm not one for spontaneity and I definitely don't like surprise visits or whatever. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now with being away and having to deal with a new stress in your life. I can understand how frustrating that would be. The fact that you are self-aware enough to realize and recognize what is going on is a result of your strength. You can get through this. :)

  • Kim–You will get past this and willpower and attitude go a long way (they're huge and your is great and has been life changing), but I highly recommend getting your vitamin and mineral levels checked. Low levels in those can contribute to so many symptoms/conditions, including anxiety, OCD, depression, eating disorders, etc. In this case, something else might be going on.

    Many hugs,

    Shirley

  • I admire you so much Kim, your strength and will are inspirational to me and so many others. Thank you for sharing your struggles, it makes me feel like I am not alone in mine.

    Big Hugs,

    Heidi

  • I'm making lemonade right there with you my friend! Sorry life is so stressful right now ((((((((((((hugs!!!))))))))))))

  • Kim

    Thank you all so much for your support – it really does mean a lot. :)

    Kim

  • I am a serious planner too…. and a MAJOR list maker, which I think usually goes hand in hand. I am so schedule oriented that sometimes even something positive that comes up that gets "in the way" of my schedule, like my husband wanting to go out to dinner, throws me off guard and freaks me out…. it's something I'm working out, but I know there are worse things to be. Being Type A has its negatives but also offers a lot of benefits, too :)

  • Val – yes!!! I have the "out to dinner" freaking out, too! Sometimes it is just too much – trying to eat healthy and gluten-free while dining out is not easy, as you know being vegan. The stress it causes is not worth it, but then I lose out on the time with DH or whoever I was going with.

    I try lists and they overwhelm me. I make them, cross of stuff in the beginning and middle and then lose the list before I am done! LOL! I am my own worst enemy.

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