Facing Reality

A friend of mine posted this yesterday on Pinterest (a new obsession & time suck) and it was perfect timing.  I needed a swift kick in the behind and this was just it!

While I have been doing well, for the most part, since I gave up weighing myself last fall, there are some days that I really struggle.  I can honestly say that I have only weighed myself once or twice since the day in October when I said I was done with the scale.  That is huge for me.  I have been feeling the need to get on the scale recently.  I know where it is, though it isn’t sitting out in the middle of the bathroom like it was before.  My clothes fit, so that isn’t the motivating factor.  It all comes down to OCD habits and what makes me feel good.  Actually, that should be “what I think makes me feel good”, because in actuality, the scale only makes me feel good if it shows a loss.  That, in and of itself, is wrong.

I am (or was the last time I got on the scale) a healthy weight and have a BMI of 20.5.  There is no reason that I should want or need the scale to register a loss.  When I sit here and talk it out, rationally, I can see this.  It just makes me so mad that this piece of equipment, this metal, plastic, whatever, has such power over me.  Only I can change that, and I will.

One of the ways I pull myself out of ruts like this is by sitting down and making a list of the reasons that I eat healthy.  I fuel my body properly so that I can be a good mother to my kids; so that I can be a good wife to my husband; so I can run and continue to PR races.  Focusing on those things is what helps to keep me grounded.

There is something I have noticed in the past few months that I thought I would share with you.  It is often hard for those who have never suffered from an eating disorder to understand how those who are suffering (or have suffered) see themselves.  At my thinnest/lowest weight when I was a teenager (95 lbs), I didn’t see that I was literally skin & bones.  I can see extremes now, but I have noticed something that I haven’t in the past.  There are days when I see myself as “fat” or needing to lose some weight and later the same day I see myself as “too skinny”.  I am not consciously thinking about it when I have noticed this, so it is really perplexing to me.  Same body, same person, same day.  I guess that is all part of the disease and the daily struggle.

Fortunately for my health (and my mind), I don’t tend to act on feelings like I just mentioned.  I tend to act on numbers, which is why I think it is so important that I don’t get on the scale.  If I have nothing concrete (the number on the scale) to act on, chances of my consciously cutting back on calories are slim to none.

Thank you for letting me get that out.  I think that expressing my thoughts out in the open like this really helps in a variety of ways.  Not only is it cathartic for me to write it all out, but now I have put it out there and have others to help support me & hold me accountable.  Thank you for being there & for reading.

Tomorrow, back to gluten-free with a fun giveaway!