With the New Year right around the corner, I figured it was a good time for this post.\u00a0 As many of you know, I have suffered on and off with anorexia for many years.\u00a0 I believe that I am in a better place in my recovery now than I have ever been before.\u00a0 I may have looked \u201cwell\u201d, but we all know that appearances aren\u2019t everything, right?\u00a0 I had this feeling deep down that I wasn\u2019t enough.\u00a0 Enough what?<\/p>\n
When I had those feelings, I always felt like I was scrambling.\u00a0 Scrambling around to find the magic.\u00a0 The magic that would make me enough.\u00a0 The thing is\u2026there is no magic.<\/p>\n
I have worked for the past year with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders and with a dear friend who taught me how to separate the lies from the truth.\u00a0 Those lies come from a couple of sources.\u00a0 ED (name for that eating disorder voice) and Miss Perfectionist (the voice that is never satisfied).\u00a0 Those voices spew lies and draw the focus away from what really matters\u2026loving myself just the way I am, for who I am.\u00a0 I know those voices will always been present, but today they are much quieter than they have ever been.<\/p>\n
Everyone has a different trigger that gets those voices riled up.\u00a0 For many, including me, it begins with changes that include rules, numbers and omission.\u00a0 New Year\u2019s Day brings all kinds of new goals, changes, ideas and how to finally be \u201cenough\u201d.\u00a0 Thank goodness for that, right?\u00a0 No, not right.\u00a0 When I impose \u201crules\u201d on myself I feel like I am being punished, like I did something wrong.\u00a0 When that negative feeling rises up, it often knocks my confidence down a notch or two and allows those voices to get stronger.\u00a0 The lies become plentiful, which opens the door for feeling like I am not enough.\u00a0 I now know enough to put the brakes on before I get too far into that downward spiral.\u00a0 I counter the lie with statements like, \u201cI am enough\u201d and \u201cI am exactly who I am supposed to be\u201d.\u00a0 Saying those statements out loud, or to a dear friend is so liberating.<\/p>\n
When it comes to food, ED likes to put his two cents in on a regular basis with lies like,\u00a0 \u201cThis is too many calories\u201d or \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be eating something like this\u201d.\u00a0 Those lies get louder if I omit a food or drink from my repertoire.\u00a0 Sue Markovitch (dear friend, author and founder of Clear Rock Fitness<\/a>) suggests adding as opposed to taking away (omitting).\u00a0 Again, taking away feels like punishment, like I have done something wrong.\u00a0 Adding something in\u2026healthy choices like fresh fruits\/veggies, water, a long walk, meditation, etc makes me feel so much better.\u00a0 We all deserve to feel loved, so why continue treating ourselves like we aren\u2019t good enough?<\/p>\n I focus on turning my negative thoughts into positive thoughts.\u00a0 I treat myself the way I would treat a close friend.\u00a0 I would never be so critical or judgmental of someone else, so why is it okay for me to talk to myself that way?\u00a0 I lived for years believing that I had to weigh a certain number of pounds.\u00a0 Don\u2019t ask me where I got that number, I can\u2019t tell you, but it was THE number.\u00a0 I refuse to let a number rule my life or be my worth.\u00a0 Letting go of the rules, the measurements and omissions takes away the power of ED and Miss Perfectionist.\u00a0 It is harder for them to speak up when there is nothing to compare anything to.\u00a0 I am who I am.<\/p>\n These past few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas have been the proof to me that I am in a different (better) place.\u00a0 In years past I would have been fretting and scrambling to the point of misery with all of the things I had to do, but hadn\u2019t done yet.\u00a0 This year was different.\u00a0 Yes, there was still much to be done, but it didn\u2019t affect me the same way.\u00a0 I did what I could and accepted that it was my personal best.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 It was fine.\u00a0 Actually, it was more than fine, it was glorious!\u00a0 It turns out that I (ED and Miss Perfectionist) was the only one placing those unrealistic expectations on myself.\u00a0 Going into 2014 I will continue to be kind to myself\u2026I am worth it.<\/p>\n