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Update on Me: The Battle with the Scale

A couple of weeks back I asked Aaron to hide our scale.  I knew that it would only hurt me (mentally and possibly physically) to continue to weigh myself daily at that point in my training.  Now that my race is over (and I met my goal) I have been pondering whether or not I want that piece of metal back in my life.  Initially I told Aaron not to give it back to me until after October 16, 2011.  I haven’t asked for it back, and I don’t know that I want to. 

There are days when I get up and feel the need to know.  I want to step on that piece of metal so that it can register a number.  Give me some kind of validation.  I My brain then takes that number and uses it to dictate how my day proceeds.  Do I need that in my life?  No.  Do I want that in my life?  Maybe, on some days.  I know some of you may think I am nuts to say that, but it is part of my illness.  It is an obsession to know these numbers.  In some sick & crazy way, that number comforts me, though much more so when it is where “I think” it should be. 

Where do I come up with the number I think I should weigh?  I am asking this not only of myself, but of anyone else out there who knows what I am going through.  What if my scale only read weight in kilograms?  I would be lost and have no clue, which may be better for me.  Who says that I have to weigh ___lbs?  Do I feel any different when I weigh 5 lbs more?  5 lbs less?  Other than that initial mental jolt of excitement or disappointment?  Unfortunately the disappointment from seeing a gain carries on through the day & may dictate my food choices.  Do my friends “unfriend” me because I gain weight?  What am I so scared of? 

That is the million dollar question:  What am I so scared of?  I am healthy.  I just ran the race of my life and obviously my body had what it needed to perform.  If I were to base my daily food and/or calorie intake on what the scale said in the morning, I may be jeopardizing that.  So why do I feel that pull?  Why can’t I shake that? 

I did what I set out to do – I ran a half marathon in under 2 hours.  Why can’t that be good enough?  My brain automatically begins to move on to the next challenge – what can we do to get better?  I am thrilled with my results, don’t get me wrong, I am just being brutally honest about how my brain is functioning. 

So, as it stands now, there is no scale.  I am going to try to listen to my body, eat a healthy, balanced diet, train smartly, go by how my clothes fit and live life.  I will win this war, even if I lose a few battles along the way. 

22 comments to Update on Me: The Battle with the Scale

  • Marlow

    I said bye bye to my scale a long time ago! It caused so many internal conflicts, that I decided it couldn't be good! Now I just go by the way my pants fit. I feel healthier and stronger, and no number can change it.

  • Nikki b.

    Kim, when I was in my early 20's I was obsessed with what I ate. I counted calories all day long. It really was such a sad way to live. Restricting food and adding numbers was always forefront. By my mid-late 20's I stopped. I'm now 39 and I've always stayed within a +/- 10 lb range or so. I don't own a scale so I only see the number at doctors visits. Now I trust my body to tell me when I'm making healthy choices or not. it does a great job! Last year in therapy my therapist made me realize how tiring our OCD tendencies are. I suffer from anxiety adnd I have "rituals" not related to food. She told me to make a conscious effort to stop. It was SO hard, but it worked. I no longer need to wash my hands a bazillion times a day and use purrell literally every 2 minutes while preparing meals. My anxiety was ruling me. I knew when I should wash and when I didn't need to wash, but it didn't matter. It made me feel better instantly to wash my hands so I did. Your scale makes your demon so powerful. Seriously consider asking Aaron to toss the scale out. I know you know when you are making good choices with food. You know you don't need that scale to maintain a healthy weight. That scale will only continue to feed your disorder.

  • Perhaps it's a control issue? By giving up the scale, in some way you feel like you are giving up control over your situation. The reality is that you are not, you're just being in control in a different way (by listening to your body and its needs). However it's different and unknown which can sometimes cause us to be scared. When we're scared we go back to what is comfortable to us, for you that's the scale.

    Now I need more coffee because this is way too early for me to get this deep. ;)

  • Kim–I feel your pain and struggle. I was an overweight kid and young adult. I was a "fat" kid and the only heavy person in my family (try growing up with 2 blond, thin sisters!) And even though I can also run a half marathon, it has been a struggle to not let the scale take all that joy and accomplishment away.

    As my therapist says, "what are you going to do with the information?" when getting on the scale. Honestly, I can't think of anything positive.

    Hugs again to you, my friend.
    Amy

  • maloneokie

    I do not get on the scale because it is just a number. It does not show me the inches I have lost from working out. It does not show my how I feel inside and that my heart is not failing.
    Just step away. Unless it reads "You are a wonderful person inside and out" it has no use for me.

  • I've told you that I don't weigh myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I knew the number! And you're right on when you ask "Where do I come up with the number I think I should weigh?" My numbers were always so arbitrary. And as they got lower and lower, the goal weight got lower and lower. So obviously my brain is not equipped to come up with that number accurately right now!

  • I gave up the scale awhile ago because if I saw a number I didn't like my day would be ruined. It was so silly. I wasted way too many of my days because of that scale……
    Good for you!

    • Thanks Heather. Good for you, too! It is really silly when I think about it realistically, I just wish my brain always worked that way! LOL! I need to keep focusing on what is important – my family. I am no good to them if I am starving myself.

      Kim

  • I feel the same way. It really is a daily battle. I am trying to live without the scale right now too and I feel so much better.

  • Congratulations on beating two hours!!! I'm so proud of you! Take you true successes with you. Forget what the scale says. You are an amazing woman. You do not need a number to validate that.

  • trcrumbley

    Congratulations on the time! That's a rather impressive feat. I used to be able to run that before I hurt my knee (I go for biking and swimming now for cardio exercises). I look amazing, and from what I read, you are living a healthy lifestyle. Congrats!

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