A couple of weeks back I asked Aaron to hide our scale. I knew that it would only hurt me (mentally and possibly physically) to continue to weigh myself daily at that point in my training. Now that my race is over (and I met my goal) I have been pondering whether or not I want that piece of metal back in my life. Initially I told Aaron not to give it back to me until after October 16, 2011. I haven’t asked for it back, and I don’t know that I want to.
There are days when I get up and feel the need to know. I want to step on that piece of metal so that it can register a number. Give me some kind of validation.
I My brain then takes that number and uses it to dictate how my day proceeds. Do I need that in my life? No. Do I want that in my life? Maybe, on some days. I know some of you may think I am nuts to say that, but it is part of my illness. It is an obsession to know these numbers. In some sick & crazy way, that number comforts me, though much more so when it is where “I think” it should be.
Where do I come up with the number I think I should weigh? I am asking this not only of myself, but of anyone else out there who knows what I am going through. What if my scale only read weight in kilograms? I would be lost and have no clue, which may be better for me. Who says that I have to weigh ___lbs? Do I feel any different when I weigh 5 lbs more? 5 lbs less? Other than that initial mental jolt of excitement or disappointment? Unfortunately the disappointment from seeing a gain carries on through the day & may dictate my food choices. Do my friends “unfriend” me because I gain weight? What am I so scared of?
That is the million dollar question: What am I so scared of? I am healthy. I just ran the race of my life and obviously my body had what it needed to perform. If I were to base my daily food and/or calorie intake on what the scale said in the morning, I may be jeopardizing that. So why do I feel that pull? Why can’t I shake that?
I did what I set out to do – I ran a half marathon in under 2 hours. Why can’t that be good enough? My brain automatically begins to move on to the next challenge – what can we do to get better? I am thrilled with my results, don’t get me wrong, I am just being brutally honest about how my brain is functioning.
So, as it stands now, there is no scale. I am going to try to listen to my body, eat a healthy, balanced diet, train smartly, go by how my clothes fit and live life. I will win this war, even if I lose a few battles along the way.